8. I don’t care if you adored your grandmother and she left you millions, that is no excuse to name a child “Ethel” or “Mabel.” Same goes for names like “Irwin,” and “Harold.”
9. Do not dip into Greek or Roman mythology for names.
10. Do not give your child a single syllable middle name.
Imagine this: You are standing in the driveway and your child refuses to get out of the car. You are fed up. So you shout, “LEE SHEA, if you don’t get out of this car right now . . . .”
Give it a try. Practice that. It sounds like somebody just got off the boat from Appalachia. Names like Bobbi Sue, Donnie Bob, Lennie Bart, David Lee (you get the picture) create images of a life of no shoes, no green vegetables and no dental care. You must avoid this baby name pitfall at all costs.
Think how much cooler it would be to hang out the back door and scream “FOSTER DOODLE HAYDOCK, I MEAN IT AND I’M NOT TELLING YOU AGAIN: GET OUT OF THAT POOL!”
Now, doesn’t that sound classy?
11. You must also take great care when choosing the name to consider what kind of monogram you’re creating. Be careful not to create any three-letter words that can be used against the child. Much caution must be used when choosing first or middle names that start with a vowel:
Annabeth Sherman Smith
Elizabeth Layton Frasier
Brooks Allan Davis
David Isaac Miller
Who wants a pendant with the letters ASS? Who wants to wear a bathrobe monogrammed BAD? You must think these things through carefully!
12. Never, ever choose meteorological conditions for use as a first or middle name.
Misty Dawn, Misty Rain, Summer Rain, Autumn Rain, Dewdrop Dawn and the like are names reserved for use by strippers. In addition to not using these names for your own children, you should also forbid male offspring from dating thus-named individuals. It can only end badly.
Further, Rule 2 (regarding the use of mono-syllabic) middle names is violated in each of these examples.
13. Never be cute. Names like Robert Roberts, James Jamison, Alan Allen, Hayley Haydock, are not funny.